Friday, December 18, 2009

What's New In Dart's iPod #109 AKA Only 13 Days Left

This week I'll be reviewing four new projects that recently hit the 'net/bloggerverse and/or will be landing on store shelves soon in the following order: Build An Ark "Love Part 1", Lil Wayne "Rebirth", Strong Army Steady & Madlib "In Search Of Stoney Jackson" and Young Money "We Are Young Money". For those of you new to this blog, I don’t rate albums on a scale or assign them a numerical value out of 5 or 10, instead I merely answer the all important question of “Is it worth buying or not?”. Here's how my recently revised "Cop It Or Not" ratings system breaks down below:

Opinions be damned. This particular project has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and should come with a Surgeon General's warning and/or a biohazard sticker. It should only be handled by hazmat teams or bomb/demolition squads. To quote Common & Canibus, this album is your worst nightmare squared.

Oh No! This CD is a drink coaster/table balancer/doorstop/gerbil/hamster room divider/frisbee/discus/makeshift shield/last ditch choice for a visor/alternate shuriken choice. Sell this shit to whoever is dumb enough to buy it from you.

Maeby (Maybe)! Depending on your own set of personal preferences you might like this joint. Give it a listen first to see if it's in your lane or not.

Mos Def! Cop the album when it drops...'Nuff said.

Poisonous Paragraphs, payola free Hip Hop blogging since 1.1.07! © Dart Adams

Even if I say nothing it's a beautiful usage of negative space © El-P

Best Joints: Love, This Prayer: For The Whole World, How Do We End All This Madness?, Celebrate, Sweet Thing, Fun's Theme, Sunflowers In My Garden, Love Is Everywhere, In The Park, World Music, World Peace Now, May It Be So and More Love*

Hot Garbage: N/A

Dart's Take: This album reminds me of those records I'd find in my fathers collections that I'd just play from beginning to end back in the days. It's actual music, though. If you're not into listening to actual music outside of looking for samples then that's a damn shame because this is one of my favorite projects of the past year in that respect.

Build An Ark plays instrumental Soul, Jazz, Samba and mix it in with some nice vocals on a couple of tracks reminiscent of the 60's & 70's. I give it a mos def. Search it out if you actually appreciate music played by actual people with instruments.

Somewhat Tolerable Joints: American Star, Prom Queen, Ground Zero, Drop The World (Em's verse), Runnin’ (with just Shannel on it),

Hot Garbage: Da Da Da, Paradice, Get A Life, On Fire, Drop The World (Wayne & the beat), Runnin' (Wayne's verses), One Way Trip, Knockout (Nicki Minaj is a carbuncle on your penis the day Rosario Dawson says "Yes") and The Price Is Wrong

Dart's Take: You know those big budget Hollywood movies that feature a huge box office draw in the lead role but they continuously get pushed back & they end up with 5 or more writers and no trailer for more than a year? When they finally come close to release, get a film poster & the trailer ends up an exclusive on Apple it suddenly gets pushed back again just to drop and it turns out it sucks? Well, that's "Rebirth"

This album has no direction. Some songs have annoying ass AutoTune effects but some don't. The verses are underwhelming. With the exception of Eminem the guest appearances were pointless. Some of these tracks should've clearly been given to other people.

This album was pure torture to listen to and I'd rather tap dance while eating a bucket of KFC in blackface live on Fox News rockin' a top hat, tuxedo & tails with spats than listen to this album ever again. It started out as an attempt at a crossover album but you can tell that idea was rethought then later they decided to go along with the original plan again. What?

This project is a failure in every imaginable facet of record making. It's not even close to being good and I can't wait for Weezy stans to attempt to defend it. I give it the only rating it deserves, the wackness. Fuck outta here!

Best Joints: Best of Times, Cheeba Cheeba, Chittlins & Pepsi, Questions, Smile, New Love, Get Started, Pressure, True Champs, Needle In The Haystack, Ambassadors, Chants, Bark Like A Dog and Two Pistols

Hot Garbage: N/A

Dart's Take: Take Strong Arm Steady. Add Madlib on the boards. Now add verses from Phonte, Planet Asia, Fashawn, Talib Kweli, Chace Infinite, Montage One, Evidence, Oh No, Roc C, Sick Jacken, Roscoe , Guilty Simpson, Mitchy Slick, etc. and that leaves you with an album that you need to hear & purchase this holiday season. Mos def. This album kept me from jamming a sharp object in my ears after I got the Lil' Wayne & Young Money double dose of pain this week.

Joints That Don't Totally Suck: Gooder, Every Girl In The World (So many things wrong with this song), Pass The Dutch, Play In My Band (meh), Fuck Da Bulls (meh) and Roger That (meh),

Hot Garbage: Ms. Parker, Wife Beater, New Shit, Bedrock, Girl I Got You (don't. flip. "Escapade". lazy. It's a sin), Steady Mobbin' (Gucci Mane features get you a bullet in your top half), She Is Gone, Streets Is Watchin' (Nicki Minaj's verse was a low point in American history) and Finale (5 minutes of torture for those with discriminating tastes)

Dart's Take: There are 10 people on the cover of this album, that's about 7 or 8 too many. This album is horrid. The Young Money roster is weaker than the New Jersey Nets' is. When the best person in your crew ghostwrites for the CEO who's also on his way to jail you know your team is doomed.

In a few years, we'll look back at this shit sandwich of an album and laugh. I'm way ahead of my time so I'll laugh right now. Wayne's album was the wackness...this is 3x worse because it's even more wack verses total. Listening to this album is like having a forced prostate exam by the Terminator (regardless of what gender you happen to be) while simultaneously being forced to watch "Tyler Perry's Meet The Browns"....

I need the Men In Black to pull out the neuralyzer and erase my memory of these two wack ass albums so I won't have daymares & night terrors then dispose of them for me.

MIB's: You know the drill by now. Or have you forgotten it? Stand still and look straight ahead *Activates neuralyzer*

Am I done? Fuck are they going? What did they leave with? *Scrolls up* Ooooh. I see now...

Late Passes (For Doz Dat Slept):

Projects I'm Looking Forward To Reviewing Once They Leak...I Mean Drop:

Rhymefest-El Che
Jay Electronica-Act II: Patents Of Nobility
Jay Electronica-Abracadabra: Let There Be Light
Big Boi-Sir Luscious Leftfoot, Son Of Chico Dusty
Pac Div-Grown Kid Syndrome
Blu-God Is Good
Drake- Thank Me Later
Alchemist & Oh No are Gangrene
Eternia & MoSS- At Last
B.O.B.-The Adventures Of B.O.B.
Billy Danze-Behind Gatez
Statik Selektah & Termanology Are 1982
Lil' Fame & Termanology-Fizzyology
Phat Kat and Elzhi are Cold Steel
The Beatnuts-The Planet Of The Crates
Ski Beatz-Half Man, Half Amazing
Evidence-Cats & Dogs
Statik Selektah-The Hangover
Buff1 & Rhettmatic -Crown Royale
Apollo Brown & Boog Brown are UPS-Brown Study
Kidz In The Hall-Land Of Make Believe
DJ Muggs & Ill Bill- Kill Devil Hills
Jay Electronica x Mos Def x Curren$y-Center Edge Territory
Meth x Rae x Ghost-The Wu Massacre

Bloggerhouse is here. Dart Adams (Poisonous Paragraphs), Travis Glave (Wake Your Daughter Up), & Eric Coons (When They Reminisce) are the official lineup of Bloggerhouse. Content is king and we are the undisputed kings of content. In less than two weeks it'll be a wrap for Poisonous Paragraphs and I'll begin anew. Bloggerhouse is a mix of the past, present and future of Hip Hop blogging.



Spliff said...

Wow. Could it be true. Double wackness in a album review post. I'll be honest. Hip hop is so saturated with bullshit it ain't even funny. Everything that is being done now has been done 10x better back before 97. So many of these bullshit albums are targeted to the kiddies anyways so I pay it no mind and proceed to bump my ol school shit. One!

Anonymous said...
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theBside said...

Hahaha. I almost prefer when you review nonsensical albums because your reviews are hilarious. I'm still dying at the MIB comment. I was on the fence about even giving these albums a chance, but you just made my decision for me.