Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Dart Adams presents Secret Wars (Part Two Of Two)

Day Two of the Marvel vs. Hip Hop Secret Wars is about to begin and Joe Quesada is determined not to get swept like he did yesterday in 8 straight matches. He's been poring through the pages of the new edition of The Official Handbook Of The Marvel Universe and he's convinced he'll have a better go of it today. I just shake my head and smile knowing that I will not lose (no Shawn Carter). "You ready to lose eight more in a row?" I ask Joe. "Not gonna happen!" He tells me. I think to myself "He has no idea how diverse my pool of players is.". Joe gives the signal that he's ready. Day Two of Secret Wars is about to begin.

The rules are the same as yesterday's, they'll be eight more One On One matchups and Joe Quesada always picks a random Marvel Comics hero or villain and I have five minutes to pick an emcee or femcee to match up against them. They then enter the arena and battle each other as inspired by The Last Emperor's 1997 classic "Secret Wars" where he went against Stan Lee doing the same thing. The first battle of Day Two is about to start and Joe Quesada picks his first combatant of Day Two:

Battle 1
Joe Quesada selects Penance first. The lone survivor of the event that launched the Civil War over the Superhero Registration Act felt so responsible for the death of the 612 souls caused by Nitro's explosion (and extremely guilty because his powers of absorbtion and manipulation of kinetic energy allowed him to survive it) that he now wears a suit with 612 spikes in it so he's in constant pain. He seems to love the torture he receives from rocking his Penance suit and is turning into to a masochist. Who could I possibly find in Hip Hop that could handle a sicko like this? After 30 seconds I pick Necro to face him.

Robbie Baldwin soon realized that he's no match for "The Most Sadistic" emcee as soon as he injected him with a syringe in the neck full of green bile with the words "The Pre-Fix For Death" written on it. Penance then fell unconscious and Necro stood over him with a shovel and he swung until Robbie Baldwin ended up getting his fuckin' head split . Necro then began digging a hole in the ground next to him, I explained to Joe Quesada that he was gonna bury Penance with Satan. "That was quick!" I shot to Joe. He just rolled his eyes. Day Two was starting out just like Day One did. Dart Adams 1 Joe Quesada 0

Battle 2
Joe Quesada took very little time to make his next decision. He chose Phoenix as his combatant for the second battle and looked at me like I'd have a problem finding a suitable opponent to face her. Without hesitation I picked Jean Grae to battle her. Jean Grey versus Jean Grae, two super powerful females will now have the ultimate face off in the arena. Would Joe Quesada pick up his first win of the Secret Wars? Nah, son!

Phoenix summoned a great amount of energy and she was prepared to finish off Jean Grae when all of a sudden her powers broke and left her. The Phoenix Force saw unlimited potential in Jean Grae and it stripped Jean Grey of her powers and instead gave it to Jean Grae. All Jean could do was use her telepathy to read try to read Jean Grae's mind which would come too late as she was instantly overtaken by a Phoenix shaped bolt of energy and fell unconscious on the floor of the arena. "Let's see a motherfucker try to release another unauthorized album of mine's now!" Jean Grae hollered. I started laughing. Joe just shook his head at taking his 10th straight L of the Secret Wars. Dart Adams 2 Joe Quesada 0

Battle 3
Joe Quesada next selects one of the most prolific villains in the Marvel Universe, the hired assassin known as Arcade. He lures his targets into his self constructed Murderworlds. This is an interesting pick as we both know that Arcade has never actually been successful in killing any of his targets in all of the years he's been active. Joe is trying to change his approach much the same way as when a power hitter bunts because he thinks the pitcher wouldn't expect it.

I pick the only cat that I know wouldn't have a problem with Arcade, The Game. As soon as he steps into Arcade's Murderworld Game seems comfortable, no matter how much shit Arcade throws at him. The Game's like "'s just like Compton!". Eventually, The Game makes it through all of Arcade's traps, breaks into the control room and drops him faster then he drops a name on one of his tracks. Joe wasn't the least bit surprised. Dart Adams 3 Joe Quesada 0

Battle 4
Joe wastes no time in picking his next participant, master assassin Elektra Natchios. By this time, he knows better than to think he has a guaranteed win on his hands. This time is no different as I waste NO time in choosing Detroit's own Invincible. Elektra went on the attack but she couldn't manage to lay a hand on her. Why not? I have no easy answers. Invincible kept evading Elektra's blows until she could recognize an opening, then she struck. After a couple of quick blows, Invincible had Elektra on the ropes.

She told herself to keep goin' and soon she has tagging Elektra with attacks so fast that you'd think she's shapeshifted into a swarm of locusts. Elektra was already out on her feet but then Invincible cocked back with the looongawaited finishing blow. The impact hit the lady assassin like a sledgehammer! The noise of her sais both hitting the ground before the thud of her body falling was deafening. "Now you know why she's called Invincible!" I said to Joe. Dart Adams 4 Joe Quesada 0

Battle 5
Quesada needs a win badly. He decided to go to the one character in the Marvel Universe that is an unstoppable force, none other than The Juggernaut. Juggernaut is super strong and and it takes teams of super powered beings to band together and try to take him out since he doesn't really feel pain thanks to the enchanted helmet and bands of Cyttorak. No one can impede the progress of The Juggernaut, you can only hope to slow him down. Who in the world of Hip Hop fits that same description? None other than Lil' Weezy.

In the past few years, Lil' Wayne has recorded studio albums in addition to his "Lilweeziana", "Dedication" and "Da Drought" mixtapes as well as a plethora of guest spots on a myriad of albums. He has built up such incredible momentum from his nonstop recording that he is recognized as the best rapper alive by a great number of Rap fans.

His new album "The Carter 3" sold a millie a millie a millie in the opening when no Hip Hop album had made that achievement since 2005. Not only that, but Lil' Wayne's single "Lollipop" broke all kind of records for staying on top of the Billboard Hot 100 charts as well as breaking the record for ringtone sales. Weezy went double platinum in a month in an age where most people have trouble breaking 100, 000 units in their opening week of release.

The Juggernaut advanced on the diminutive Lil' Wayne who was holding a styrofoam cup full of an unknown liquid wore nothing more than a white tee, a black Washington Senators baseball cap, a platinum chain, some ill fitting jeans and a pair of gold Supra's. "Juggernaut's gonna kill that kid!" Joe hollered. I simply responded with "Just watch".

Juggernaut threw punch after punch with no effect at Weezy. Each blow just bounced right off of him. Wayne screamed at the Juggernaut "Nothin', nothin', you ain't hurtin' nothin'!" and took another sip from his cup. "What the hell is in that cup?" Quesada asks. "Nobody really knows" I shot back. "Well whatever it is", Joe observed "It clearly makes him impervious to pain!". Little does Joe know that Wayne is an unstoppable force of nature, a picture surfaced of him kissing a man he calls his Daddy seemingly on or near his lips and his popularity didn't even suffer a dip afterwards...he actually became MORE FAMOUS!

Juggernaut is confused beyond comprehension. "Why don't you go down?" he asks Weezy. "No force on Earth can stop me!" "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" Lil' Wayne responds by jumping on him, ripping off Juggernaut's helmet, then looks into his eyes and tells him "We are not the same, I am a Martian!". Wayne then hit Juggernaut with a psychic blast (which I didn't know he was capable of) and Cain Marko fell faster than 50 Cent's popularity. Lil' Wayne picked up his styrofoam cup and screamed at a visibly shocked Joe Quesada "Muthafucka, I'm ill!". Dart Adams 5 Joe Quesada 0

Battle 6
The next battle began when Marvel Comics Editor In Chief Joe Quesada threw the legendary mutant and biochemist Hank McCoy AKA The Beast into the battle arena. Beast has plenty of experience when it comes to battles having been a member of the X-Men, Avengers and Defenders that defeated a bunch of super powered villains over the years. In order to find someone who could normally survive a battle with a highly intelligent, battle tested, super strong and lightning quick feral beast I didn't have to think too hard. I just told my boy from Philly it was feedin' time. Enter Nico The Beast.

Nico The Beast and The Beast enter the arena and begin throwing down. They go toe to toe and blow to blow for about five straight minutes before Nico softened McCoy up by putting him in a headlock and falling with him backwards. McCoy was slow to get up but he walked right into Nico The Beast's patented finishing move called "The Mark Of The Beast". It looked like a combo corkscrew neckbreaker into a german suplex type of deal. The Beast hit the ground like a ton of bricks and didn't move. Nico The Beast was the victor. "There is no beast so fierce" I told Joe Quesada. Dart Adams 6 Joe Quesada 0

Battle 7
The seventh battle of Day Two of the Marvel vs. Hip Hop Secret Wars kicks off when Quesada picks one of the most powerful mutants in the entire Marvel Universe, Cable as his choice. Cable is a master military technician who's mastered a vast array of weapons and has access to all types of technology. Not only that but he's also one of the most dangerous cats around. I think to myself, who's someone that Cable would have problems with matchup wise. I picked the pride of Maryland/D.C., Wale.

Cable is a time traveller that goes back and forth trying to change the course of history from how things went in his alternate timeline and change the outcome of certain major events. The battle starts when Cable scans Wale and then after receiving sufficient information from his computer database he backs out of the fight. He tells Joe Quesada that he can't bring himself to fight Wale because he's the future and he'll go on to do great things in the years to come. "You can't fight the future" I say. Quesada just shrugs. Due to a forfeit the running tally is now: Dart Adams 7 Joe Quesada 0

Battle 8
Joe's final choice of the Marvel vs. Hip Hop Secret Wars two day extravanganza was the best hitman on the face of the Earth and the most deadly assassin in the business, Bullseye. Bullseye never misses and he can kill his opponent by using everyday objects and employing them in seemingly impossible killing attacks. "I'm about to go 16-0 like the Patriots!" I tell Mr. Quesada as I choose none other than Kanye West as the final combatant of Secret Wars.

He enters the ring to "Swagga Like Us" and he lip synchs his part as he steps into the arena. Bullseye is not impressed even as Kanye West starts the fight with a black assassins outfit that he picked out and a laser gun that he hired some Japanese scientists to make for him. The battle finally gets underway when Bullseye does like Gambit and lets a bunch of normally harmless playing cards fly from his deadly accurate fingertips like darts.

Kanye shows off his lightning reflexes by changing his outfit while simultaneously ducking Bullseye's attack (including switching to a laser gun that matched his new outfit)and once Bullseye's cards flew over his head, he blasted Bullseye with his laser gun right through the bullseye on his forehead. Bullseye lay lifeless on the floor with a hole in his head. Kanye West won the fight in about 5 seconds flat, it was a sight to behold. Joe was completely stunned. I was impressed. Kanye changed back to his original outfit. I looked at Kanye's face and I just knew a rant was forthcoming.

"Can I say somethin' really quick, fam?" Kanye asked. I nodded my head. He looked at Joe Q. and said "No disrespect, but that dead muthafucka layin' over there ain't the best hitman on the face of the Earth. I am!" "I worked too damn hard to get where I'm at!" "I'm just sayin', give a Black man a chance!" "You see this laser gun?" Kanye says as he raised it in the air "I designed this bitch!" "Me!" "I did that, fam!"

"If I wasn't so busy making my album "808's and Heartbreak" and doing different mixes of my new single that's now available for purchase on iTunes "Love Lockdown" I would've built it myself, too!" "I'm a genius, ain't nobody fuckin' with me!" "Shit, just check out this fly ass outfit I put together!" He went on for another 5 minutes but you get the idea. Day Two ended with the final score at Dart Adams 8 Joe Quesada 0 for the second straight day in a row.

Joe Quesada and I shook hands and he said "Well played, Dart. You don't have a prayer of beating me like that when we do team battles, though" "Well, see". I answered "We'll see".

Coming soon: Secret Wars II: Marvel vs. Hip Hop (Team battles edition)



John Wilson said...

too funny

Anonymous said...

Damn Dart!!! Got me on my super human Good looks.

Unknown said...

very entertaining... do hip hop vs video game characters!

Small Pro said...

shit is hilarious man

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