Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Dart Adams presents Scrubs (They're No Supermen)

Here's a blog about some of the worst basketball players to ever take up space on a bench and receive an NBA game check in recent history. Keep in mind that with my encyclopedic knowledge of NCAA, FIBA and NBA basketball between the years of 1978-2008 that there were many more players I wanted to feature but I couldn't due to the fact I couldn't find any good pictures of many of them (Word to Chuck Nevitt). Here it goes:

Alan Ogg 7'2" 240 C UAB

While he did improve during his junior and senior years in college, he was still uncoordinated, slow and had no toughness. He was drafted because you can't teach height and he'd proven himself a shot blocker at the college level. After 3 seasons in the NBA, Alan Ogg had managed to sneak into 80 total games and score a blistering career total of 175 points for a 2.2 ppg average.

Not only was Ogg too slow to guard anyone but he forgot how to shoot as well, only making good on 57% of his career free throws. Since he couldn't stay in front of anyone, he couldn't block shots either. Alan Ogg was out of the NBA before the really good basketball cards started coming out. It sucks that someone had to go to get their car worked on by a 7'2 mechanic that used to play for the Miami Heat back in the mid 90's. Dickhead.

Uwe Blab 7'1 250 C Indiana

This German import took up space like nobodies business and not only was he slow of foot and less coordinated then Clumsy Smurf but his big ol' ass couldn't shoot or defend to save his life. He made several Dallas Mavericks teams suck all the more and had fans begging for James Donaldson to get up and make his way over to the scorer's table back in the days. In his illustrious 5 year NBA career, Blab played in 235 total games and scorched the nets for 505 total points (2.1 ppg).

What made the massive clod all the more lame was that he only managed 435 total rebounds for his career...yeah, that's right, he had the rebounding average of a backup point guard (1.8 rpg)! He was truly terrible in every way imaginable. Jackass.

Ramon Rivas 6'10 260 PF/C Temple

Ramon Rivas was the first high profile young Puerto Rican player to sign with the Boston Celtics right out of college. He was the beacon of hope for Boston's Latino community...too bad that he sucked hard like inner city kids on green apple flavored Jolly Ranchers! Ramon Rivas seemed to either travel or double dribble every time he got his hands on the ball in garbage time.

He played in 28 games and pulled down 24 rebounds while scoring 40 points against bench players when the Celtics still challenged for the Eastern Conference championship. I can remember Ramon Rivas travelling before blowing a wide open dunk on a perfect pass from Dennis Johnson and the crowd just being in awe at how bad he was. Puta.

Dwayne Schintzius 7'2 260 C Florida

He was all business in front, but party in the back. In eight NBA seasons he managed to draw checks from six different teams that were dumb enough to pay him to be a warm body at practice and little else. His slow, lumbering ass scored 587 points and pulled down 536 rebounds in 212 career games for an anemic 2.7 ppg and 2.5 rpg average.

When you're that damn big and you can't shoot, score, rebound, block shots OR defend then you should just put yourself out of your misery and drown in a tub. I hate this guy because he wore the sacred kelly green uniform during the 1998-99 season. Asshole.

Mark Randall 6'8 235 F/PF Kansas

Mark Randall was a media darling when he starred at center (?) in the Big 12 for the Kansas Jayhawks. Sure people always wondered why everyone was on Mark Randall's nuts since he was a slow, unathletic, undersized player with no real offensive game but that didn't stop NBA scouts from salivating over him. When he was picked the the 1st round of the NBA Draft by the Chicago Bulls back in 1991, I was in shock.

Mark Randall couldn't defend 3's or 4's at the NBA level and he had no offensive game whatsoever. He had a tough time getting his shot off and he couldn't even grab a board against pro competition. He was out of the league in 4 seasons after playing for 4 different teams and racking up career numbers of 332 points and 162 rebounds in 127 total games for pathetic career averages of 2.6 ppg and 1.3 rpg. Cocksucker.

Next time, I'll do a Celtics post. Depending on how tonight's game goes it will determine the nature of tomorrow's post.



Anonymous said...

Shawn Bradley?
Dude was the worst big man I've ever seen.

I'm a young one still, cut me some slack.

Aaron said...

Dwayne Schintzius is probably one of the main reasons I hold a grudge against the Spurs

Dart Adams said...

@ Andrew:

Shawn Bradley was a stiff later on in his career but do you have any idea how many career triple doubles he has? He was featured in Space Jam. He used to produce back in the days. Gheorge Muresan, too. I'm after the Keith Closs' and Priest Lauderdale's of the world.