As any underground Hip Hop head knows, Hip Hop and comic books often go hand in hand. Think of all the emcees, DJ's and producers that have comic book inspired names and aliases. Back in 1997, Philly emcee The Last Emperor made the super original track called "Secret Wars" as a B-side to his 12" "Bums/Monumental/Secret Wars" (The B side wins again!). While "Bums" and "Monumental" were two solid tracks "Secret Wars" was the joint captured the imagination of head hands down. That 12" sold well for a good two years before being re-released two years later after The Last Emperor's ill fated signing with Dr. Dre's imprint Aftermath/Interscope.
In that song, Last Emperor spun a tale where he went head to head with Stan Lee pitting Marvel's top heroes and villians against the best in Hip Hop. Stan Lee would throw out a character or a group of characters and Last Emperor would respond with the perfect emcee/femcee to take them out. Since that song is now almost 12 years old and the second part "Secret Wars 2" made in 2003 was pretty disappointing in comparison to the original (just like the comic book series was) I thought that I'd do the blogging version of what Last Emperor did...but with a few changes.
First off, I don't want to use the majority of the same heroes or villains that Stan Lee used nor do I want to use the same emcees/femcees that The Last Emperor used. To solve that issue and update the battle I'd choose to face current Marvel Comics Editor-In-Chief Joe Quesada instead. He'd throw out newer Marvel creations at me thinking I wouldn't be able to find a suitable matchup in the world of Hip Hop. The thing is I'm always going the find the perfect matchup to secure the win, just like Last Emperor did. This round will be One on One matchups. Next go round will be the Group/Team round. You kids tucked in? Yeah? Heeeere we go!:
Joe Quesada chooses Captain America right off top thinking I won't have anyone to combat Marvel Comics' living embodiment of truth, justice and the American Way. Who can I pick from the Hip Hop Universe that could take out the symbol of the Land Of The Thieves and the Home Of The Slave right quick? Too easy, son! Immortal Technique. After 40 bars of revolutionary rhetoric and verbal murder ol' Cap will need a coroner and a burial at Arlington Cemetary. Dart Adams 1 Joe Quesada 0.
Joe decides to throw Pete Wisdom at me. Pete Wisdom create these sharp bolts of energy from his fingertips and throw them like projectiles or use them as claws he calls "hot knives". Pete holds it down as an operative of England's clandestine ops division M-13. Joe Q smiles thinking he has me this time. Little does he know that all I gotta do is go to the D and pull out a kid that spits fire and throws rapid fire darts with perfect accuracy. His name? Elzhi. After one perfect 48 bar verse of laser precise supernatural lyricism Pete Wisdom falls prey to Elzhi's hot knives. Then Elzhi beat him until he saw double then he saw four arms reach for him and tear him apart. Joe's lookin' type shook right now, fam! Dart Adams 2 Joe Quesada 0.
Joe Quesada hits me with Ghost Rider. His ethereal flame, enchanted chain and Hell Cycle are nothing in comarison to his deadly Penance Stare that's makes you feel pain and fear far beyond a normal human can take. It's makes you feel as if you were instantly transported to hell. Who could I possibly pick that could survive this battle? How about Wu Tang Killa Bee Hell Razah?
Ghost Rider steps to Young Rabbi and gives him the Penance Stare. What instead happens is that Ghost Rider looks into Hell Razah's eyes and realizes he can't make a survivor of the Reaganomic Crack Era that grew up in Red Hook, Brookyln feel like they're in Hell because they've already lived through it. Ghost Rider instead gets overwhelmed himself by the collective pain, bloodshed, injustice, murder, death, institutional slavery and overall stress from people being denied access to equal service and opportunities in inner city America as well as being regarded as second class citizens in your land of birth.
The burden of those funerals for teenagers, slain leaders and the souls of the those who had fallen from drug abuse and fell prey to the drug game overload his senses. The collective generations full of disappointment and deferred dreams more than 400 years that he sees in Hell Razah's eyes brings Ghost Rider to his knees. Ghost Rider can't take the weight of all this and his flaming skull explodes (why do you think so many Black folks have hypertension?). The Renaissance Child is the victor. Dart Adams 3 Joe Quesada 0
Joe needs a win to save face so he goes to one of the most powerful bad guys in the Marvel Universe, Russia's own Omega Red. He's an altered human that has these metal coils that he uses to suck the life force out of his opponents and boost his own regenerative powers as well as secreting pheromones that makes things around him get progressively sicker until they die. Joe thinks he has this win in the bag. Who can I pull out of my top hat that radiates a glow full of light and is all about life and living it positively in the face of seemingly endless darkness and negativity? How about my boy Blu!
Blu gives off so much light and positive energy that Omega Red's coils can't suck the life out of him and his pheremones are having no effect on Godlee Barnes at all. Blu then begins spittin' verses from "Simply Amazin'" until he glows so much that he completely overloads Omega Red and easily takes the match as Omega Red's lifeless form lays on the arena floor. I turn to Joe and tell him Blu is soul amazin' and steel blazin'. He's visibly heated. He didn't know that God was in the building now. Dart Adams 4 Joe Quesada 0
Mr. Quesada switches it up and chooses the First Lady of The Initiative, Ms. Marvel for my next opponent. Sure, Ms. Marvel is super strong and super powerful but I start laughing because I got this win in the bag. Without any hesitation I choose T. Dot representative Eternia to battle her.
Ms. Marvel came out throwing but Eternia let her know "You Ain't Real" and showed her where she's been and set her up to show her where she's at now with a collection of blows to Ms. Marvel's head and body. After about four minutes and three hot verses Carol Danvers was out cold and Eternia stood victorious rocking her now famous "My Favorite Rapper Wears A Skirt" T-shirt. Joe's getting visibly upset now. The tally? Dart Adams 5 Joe Quesada 0
Joe pulls out Doctor Doom thinking he's going to end his cold streak. This mad scientist, possessor of superhuman intelligence and crown ruler of Latveria doesn't have a match in the Hip Hop universe he thinks. This man has clearly never heard of the Metal Face villain of Hip Hop, MF Doom!
MF Doom enters the arena with a mic in one hand and an MPC 2000 under the other. Dr. Doom immediately rushes him and blasts him with an intense beam of energy from one of his gauntlets. Nothing's left but a black spot where Mad Flowin' Doom once stood and remnants of the MPC. Thirty seconds later, out comes yet another MF Doom, this one also with a mic in one hand and an MPC under the other. Doc Doom rushes him and blazes him with an energy blast leaving behind nothing but smoke, a black spot where he once stood and some remnants of his mask.
Thirty seconds later, yet ANOTHER Mother Fuckin' Doom walks into the arena rocking the same gear as the other Dooms with (you guessed it!) a mic in one hand and an MPC under the other. Dr. Doom is confused...Is THAT the real MF Doom? He sorta looks like MF Doom but he'll know if it's him for sure if he hears his voice, he thinks. "Speak!" the Metal Face Villain ordered. A beat came on and Maybe Fake Doom starts spitting the first verse of "Rhinestone Cowboy".
"Is that really him?" Viktor Von Doom ponders. "I mean I can't tell if it's really him or if he's lip synching!". After about a minute Doctor Doom realizes that it's yet another fake MF Doom and blazes him up one time with his gauntlet's energy blaster from long range. Meanwhile, yet another MF Doom waddles up behind him with an MPC 2000 and whacks a distracted Dr. Doom over the head with it.
Doom turns around just to have his uncovered by armor mouth catch a cloth that Metal Fingers Doom has affixed to his face. The Lord of Latveria falls unconscious and Daniel Dumile stands over his fallen foe explaining that he sent the fake Dooms as a distraction while he cooked up a mixture of special herbs that would bring down his Marvel opponent. Joe Quesada looks really confused now. "Sooo...was THAT him?" he asked me. I told him I wasn't really sure but he should be sure to cop "Born Into This" when or if it drops on Lex Records . Dart Adams 6 Joe Quesada 0
Marvel Comics Editor-In-Chief Joe Quesada realizes that he's been underestimating the Hip Hop Universe and that instead of playing checkers with me he needs to start playing some damn chess. He then makes a damn good choice in Shen Xorn for me to find a favorable matchup against. Xorn's brain is a star that manifests itself a black hole that can engulf his opponent and everything around himself. He can also manipulate and warp energy and electromaganetic fields. He uses this power to read minds, translate people's thoughts and he can also feel when life has been extinguished in his vicinity and he can use his powers to manipulate the energies floating around the world to heal living things. Damn, that's a tall ass order!
Mr. Quesada thinks his losing streak is over. Nah, son! Not as long as Jay Electronica is around. The battle begins when Xorn lets the star in his brain collapse onto itself and become a black hole, thereby engulfing Jay Electronica and everyone surrounding him went pitch black. No matter, Jay simply raises his staff in the air and says "Abracadabra! Let there be light!". The light begins to grow and grow, first slowly and then it gets increasingly brighter and brighter. Joe was shocked. "Light can't escape a black hole!" he exclaimed. I explained to him that Hip Hop culture was created in the South Bronx where there was supposedly "nothing"
It's been 40 years since the first time a grafitti writer ever wrote his or her name and street number on a wall with a unique hand style in Philadelphia (I see you, Cornbread!) and in New York City. It's been more than 35 years since Kool Herc threw his first official jam at Cedar & Sedgwick. It's been about 35 years since Coke La Rock first bust some simple rhymes to keep the party rockin' to the break of dawn and the first B Boys and B Girls went to the floor. Hip Hop has since evolved from "nothing" to become the leading music and youth culture/movement on planet Earth today. As far as I've ever known, light CAN and has escaped a black hole.
The light became so bright and so strong from Jay's "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" spell that it ultimately engulfed Xorn until his brain collapsed on itself one last time but in the presence of overwhelming light it reversed and sucked him in with instead of engulfing the whole world. Music began playing and Jay start spitting "Victory Is In My Clutches". I sang along with the chorus "Victory is mines, oh yes!". Joe was not amused. Dart Adams 7 Joe Quesada 0
Joe Quesada tried to get some momentum going into tomorrow's battles by picking up a cheap win. He selected Dust, a powerful mutant and member of the Young X-Men that's a Sunni Muslim from Afghanistan who can turn itself into living sand or dust as well as control it. She is adept at using her "dust" as both a defensive and offensive weapon. "Who are you gonna pick that can handle Dust, Dart?" Joe asks. I didn't even have to think about it, y'all!
"Who the hell is that guy?" Joe asked me. "I thought you'd pick a female!" I told him "That's Tame One, the knotty headed terror form Newark, New Jersey and Boom Skwad general". Joe was confused. "What does he do?" "You'll see!" I told him, trying to hold back laughter. Tame reached into his backpack and took something rather large out. Joe couldn't see what it was but I already knew what it was.
Dust transformed and began her attack and Tame One opened up a huge blunt and immediately starting trapping her inside it until he covered up her whole body. "What's he doing?!" Joe yelled. "Wait for it!" I yelled back. Once she was completely trapped in the blunt, Tame lit it up and began to smoke that huge thing. You read right..Tame was smoking Dust. I cried laughing. Joe just had a look of shock mixed with horror and awe on his face. After about half an hour it was a wrap and Tame One was the victor. The end of Day One of the Marvel vs. Hip Hop Secret Wars: Dart Adams 8 Joe Quesada 0.
I told Joe to come with his A game tomorrow because I wasn't going to lose. He said "You might've swept today because I underestimated you but I haven't even scratched the surface yet". I looked at Mr. Quesada, smiled and said "Neither have I!".
Next up: Secret Wars (Part Two of Two)