Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The Final Hope AKA Dartflix Edition #38

"The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor" sucked even more than I thought it would (and I had low expectations going in). I write for a living and I could explain to you in glowing detail everything about this film that made me angry, roll my eyes and think to myself "not again!".

The entire time I was watching this colossal crapfest I was wondering if something would ever happen that I wouldn't see coming from a mile away. Every action film cliche was there, every corny one liner you could imagine was dropped. I would go into detail about this films suckiness but if I did I'm afraid people would go to see this piece of shit JUST to see if/how much I was exaggerating. That being the case, I'll say nothing but "it sucked in every way possible".

It wasted some great actors, CGI work and stunts, wreaked havoc with history and made me wish the Men In Black actually existed (although, according to some they do) so they could erase my memory of the whole horrible ordeal. I wasn't feeling this shit at all, son! Nada. This franchise is done and there is no continent you can move it to for another sequel besides South America (Lord knows no one wants to see that!).

The previous week, I couldn't bring myself to even finish "The X-Files: I Want To Believe" (alternate title suggestion: "I Want To Leave"). I just stopped caring because the story wasn't very supernatural.

I just felt like I was watching an extra long episode of "Smallville" with Xzibit, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson as co- stars or some shit. I wasn't a big fan of the original series but I did see the first film almost ten years ago and I remember being underwhelmed by it. I guess most moviegoers felt the same way about this flick that I did.

The final hope to break the grasp that "The Dark Knight has on the box office comes in the guise of another Seth Rogen (Superbad, Drillbit Taylor) and Evan Goldberg flick (Superbad) called "Pineapple Express". I'm sure you've seen the commercials and had your gunfingers going to M.I.A's "Paper Planes" while doing so.

"The Dark Knight" has surpassed $400 million at the US box office at the writing of this blog (and topped $600 million at the worldwide box office) so the only film left in it's way is "The Titanic". If "Pineapple Express" doesn't get the asses in the seats next weekend then I honestly don't know what will.

The summer's almost over, anyways. Then we go back to waiting for the next highly anticipated major blockbuster at the end of September until the holiday season film rush starts with the Halloween Horror film explosion in October. I can't wait.

Films I recommend in theaters (8.1.08-8.15.08) or to add to your queue early or for rental from either Netflix or Redbox:

Pineapple Express
Spaced: The Complete Series
The Counterfeiters
I Got The Feelin': James Brown In The 60's
The Killing Of John Lennon
Biography: Barack Obama
Code Monkeys: Season 1 (animated series)
The Wire-The Complete Fifth Season
Smart People
The Search For John Gissling
Heavy Metal (animated film)
Heroes And Heroines (animated old school cartoon anthology)
DC Superheroes: The Filmation Adventures (animated old school cartoon anthology)
The Secret
Bra Boys
Belly (Blu-Ray)
The Doors (Blu-Ray)
The Legend Of The Shadowless Sword
CJ7 (Stephen Chow)
Gonzo: The Life & Times Of Hunter S. Thompson
Mad Detective (Johnnie To)
Wide Awake
The Killing Gene
I'm Through With White Girls
Cocaine Cowboys 2-Hustlin' With The Godmother
The Dark Knight
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Boy A
The Bank Job
Meet Bill
Brothers Five (Shaw Brothers)
Tai Chi Master
Challenge Of The Masters
OutFoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War On Journalism-Fox Attacks (Special Edition)
The Last Winter
Electroma (Daft Punk)
Robot Chicken: Star Wars
City Of Men
Drillbit Taylor
The Ruins (Unrated Edition)
The Closer-The Complete Third Season
30 Days: The Complete Second Season
Shotgun Stories
Dragon Squad
Drunken Angel
Eagle Shooting Heroes
Patriotism (The Criterion Edition)
Batman: Gotham Knight
Batman Begins (Blu-Ray)
Vantage Point
The Tracey Fragments
Chop Shop
Blood Brothers
Chaos Theory
Be Kind Rewind
The Incredible Hulk
The Promotion
The Boondocks-The Complete Second Season
In Bruges
Charlie Bartlett
The Grand
Funny Games
Californication-Season One
Burn Notice-Season One
The Restless
Futurama: The Beast With A Billion Backs
Diary Of The Dead
Finishing The Game
War, Inc.
The Air I Breathe
The Warriors: Director's Cut Special Edition
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
A Dirty Carnival
Cross Bronx
Iron Man
The Machine Girl
I'm Not There
The Chair
The Tiger Blade
Bomb It
Inglorious Bastards (1978)
Heroes Of The East
Come Drink With Me
88 Minutes
Street Kings
Paranoid Park
Snow Angels
How To Rob A Bank
Shoot Down
Chicago 10
Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden?
The Onion Movie
Invisible Target
The Signal
Right At Your Door
Civic Duty
Dragon Tiger Gate
Player 5150
Sex And Death 101

Dart's Movie Recommendations (I personally cosign all of these joints):

Pineapple Express
Spaced: The Complete Series
The Killing Of John Lennon
Smart People
The Legend Of The Shadowless Sword

Rent/Watch these movies at your own risk:

Nim's Island: No.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder: You lost for watching any of these films past the original.

Felon: Read the DVD cover. If that wasn't enough of a deterrent alone then you deserve what you get next.

The whole "I Love The 80's" DVD re-issue set: I was THERE and I remember the 80's so I don't need to relive it that badly. Thanks anyways.

Coming (relatively) Soon To A Theater (or computer) Near You: