I know I've been late posting this week and I still haven't made any headway in any of the major projects/blogs I said I was gonna do this summer (Coming Soon) but after my fuckin' laptop died on me again it's been tough going. I need to get a new one and since the job market is kinda bleak and with my resume and age those jobs I used to do are off limits and the other ones won't hire me for whatever reason. It now comes down to my brother Buc to cop me a G4 online for cheap to replace my old shitbox. This often leads to resentment and pointless arguments a lot of the time because I should be able to get my own by now.
See, he's a producer and he's dealt with so many people (at major labels and independently) that try to jerk him around and not pay him or front like they want beats and when they fnd out that he actually wants compensation for his work they don't call back. He's had jobs for years in order to actually pay the bills and he still makes beats but it doesn't make him any real money as of yet..at least not like his job does.
I was the dude that would work 50-60 hours a week primarily at night doing dangerous ass jobs and I was a workaholic. All I did was work nonstop until I made a shitload of money and then I quit. The last job I had I worked for CVS for three years starting out as a member of the night crew. I moved all the way up to assistant manager. I worked from 3/4PM to 1 AM weekdays and on Saturday I'd work from 11PM to 8AM and then go home and sleep and come back to the store and work from 3PM to midnight.
All I did was work and sleep for 3 damn years straight. I made hella money (no kids, no mortgage, no car, paid off all of my student loans, no debt whatsoever) and I used to pay for everything anyone in my hosehold needed (my older siblings all have their own households and families). I provided anything anyone needed but I did nothing for myself. I thought I was being selfless. In my younger brother's eyes I was being extremely stupid.
I have always lived to express myself through the written word. I could use some of my knowledge with the late night customers but I hadn't witten anything of substance in 3 years. It almost drove me insane so one day I told my co-workers that I was gonna quit in three months. My last day there was October 1st, 2005. I haven't had a "job" job since. Now I cut corners and get damn near everything for free and I never spend money. My brother makes all of the big purchases but I skate by using the bare minimum amount of everything. If it wasn't for the lone bill that's currently in my name I almost wouldn't exist.
I quickly realized that I wasn't gonna be a 30 year old dude trying to "get on" rhyming so I quit and I just ended up writing on the internet. Not too long afterwards I started getting e-mails from people interested in having me write for them and their magazines/webistes...all of whom folded or failed. Several of the magazines that I wanted to write for no longer exist.
I said "Fuck it" and decided to write anyways. Whatever I felt like whenever I felt like it. No editor, no fact checker (I can do that shit myself). no one to tell me to limit the amount of words or censor me in any manner whatsoever. I can write about Company Flow one day and the fuckin' Teenage Mutant Turtles the next. Whose gonna tell me I can't?
I officially started blogging August 2006 when Sickamore published my blog and then Odeisel asked me to do a weekly blog on AllHipHop.com. After months of blogging there I started Poisonous Paragraphs on January 1st, 2007 in hopes of drawing attention from publications that would read my blog and want to hire me.
I've gotten several offers from some publications that wanted me to write for them but they've all fallen through for one reason or another (the first time my laptop died killed an opportunity I'm still pissed about). I've had offers to write comic books for people but when I asked for follow up details they're suddenly nowhere to be found. I was asked to do some treatments for a few short films or documentaries but dumb shit happened every time that kept anything from ever moving forward. I've been quoted in books and read by people all over the world. All of this translates to me STILL being broke after almost two full years of blogging. Something that my brother never forgets to remind me.
I know what kind of person I am. When I work, I go all out and do shit far above and beyond my job description. In most of my jobs I set records for most raises and promotions and I never took vacations instead opting for my vacation money in a check and allowing my co-workers to take their vacations instead. If someone needed someone to cover for their shift, I did it. I get glowing recommendations from all of my former employers. In this current economy of no overtime and people not wanting to hire anyone that can show them up I simply don't get hired to do those jobs anymore.
Will I eventually get a new laptop that won't die on me every three days so I can fianlly do what I said I would and stop bitching about it like I'm letting someone (besides myself) down? More than likely, yes. The issue is how much longer can I do this without seeing any real physical results. I'm gonna be 33 years old next month and being an internet pirate that knows the ins and outs and everything and has a few connections that allow me to get by spending damn near no money is getting old. Eventually, I'll need to joint the rest of the world and actually spend money and maybe even *gasp!* have to OWE somebody once in a while.
Past this summer, I don't know what's gonna happen with Poisonous Paragraphs. Maybe I'll have to get a job and work like regular people...while the sun is up (people actually do that?). I might even get an office job where I have to wear a shirt with a collar (I used to do shit like under the table security work for sketchy types at 3AM in the worst parts of Boston dressed like Luke Cage. I got some stories, y'all), who knows? Either way, things may or may not continue the way they're going. Cash rules everything around me.
The Red Sox are in a freefall and Manny Ramirez may get traded to the Florida Marlins because the Angels got Mark Texeira and the Yankees got Pudge Rodriguez all before the trade deadline forcing the Red Sox to make a move in order to have a chance at survival. Nothing lasts forever. Sometimes things just fall apart.