Dart Adams presents A Tale Of Ten Trailers AKA I Have Entirely Too Much Free Time On My Hands

I figured that the best thing to do when you’re having trouble coming up with something to write about that everyone else hasn’t already touched on is to write about things that I bitch and complain about constantly. Following that logic, I decided to write comments and reviews about ten different movie trailers that have recently hit the internet. Why ten? Because it’s overkill and you’ll more than likely stop reading what I wrote after the fourth or fifth one but I’ll continue to drone on and on about some shit that you could care less about.

I used to work at record and video stores for years and God knows that people that work at these kinds of places stand around all day and do nothing but concoct lists. I will now force myself to stop typing this pointless ass intro and get to the movie trailers:

Funny Games


This film was clearly not thought up by a American. It turns out it’s a remake of a 1997 German/Austrian film of the same name. The writer/director that did the original has also done this one so it’ll have all of the same tone and feel as the original film. Two young men take a family hostage while they’re vacationing and make a wager with them that they’ll be dead by the morning. The trailer does an excellent job of dropping hints and clues as to what’s gonna happen in the flick. Where’s the kid going? What are they gonna do to Naomi Watts? What’s the deal with the golf clubs? Is the director is big fan of The Clockwork Orange or what? I

Bottom line:
Damn good trailer. This type of film is in my fucked up movie wheelhouse, I’m definitely going to see this joint...I might even go to the theater for a change.


John Rambo official trailer


John Rambo international trailer (gully version)


This trailer has been the cause of controversy ever since the original extra gory international trailer first hit the net back in late September. Apparently, John Rambo had been enjoying a life of leisure over in Asia until some military cat asks him if he would go into Burma and do him a solid. Since John is from the Snake Plissken School Of Indifference he passes (unless he can bring his gat, that is). Later on, shit gets real and Julie Benz (AKA Darla AKA Rita) shows up and begs Rambo to go all Ikari Warriors on Burma. He’s listening now. More shit jumps off and Rambo gets strapped up, crosses the border into Burma and brings more drama than an entire season of Inside The Actor’s Studio.

Bottom line:
In the international trailer you begin to get concerned that those aren’t special effects if you know what I mean. My father was from Honduras and he used to joke that Mexican film from the 60’s and 70’s didn’t use stunt people...they used criminals, pedophiles and rapists. “Did you see any stuntmen in the credits?” “Did you see the way that blood shot out that man’s neck?” “Either they got better special effects people than Hollywood in Mexico or that mmotherfucker really got shot!”. That’s sort of the way I feel about that trailer. Remember that Sly got caught shipping HGH during this flick, too. Where in the hell did Millennium Pictures come from all of a sudden? I’m definitely going to see this flick but I’m not gonna pay for it...sorry.


Cloverfield


We all saw the original teaser trailer and had to deal with jackoffs online who broke down each frame trying to decipher more information about the film. As a writer and filmmaker myself I feel that is corny and it kind of blurs the purpose and intention of the teaser trailer in the first place. It’s supposed to be vague and make you want to see the first proper trailer that much more. Why try to suck the mystery out of it. All we gleaned from the first trailer was that some huge creature has attacked New York and we see the attack from the perspective of people on the ground rather than the regular “God” view that we normally get in monster movies. J.J. Abrahms clearly knew what he was doing. This trailer sucks in the veiwer and makes them feel as if they too are running from...whatever the hell that is. Is it Godzilla? Mee Shee the water giant? A huge Peter Griffin? Monster Zero? A Robeast? Either way, by casting a bunch of no name actors it adds to the feeling that this really going on because you can’t focus on a familiar face during the trailer.

Bottom line:
I’m usually skeptical about blockbuster film/monster movies but by giving this movie an experimental film/indie flick twist it might actually be a good movie after all. I’ll toss my cynicism aside and actually go see this film. Excellent second trailer.


Revolver


I’ve been waiting to see this goddamn movie for almost two full years. I’ve had it in my Netflix queue since early 2006 and I often complained (once in this very blog) about it never being released. I have been hearing about this movie forever and now it’s finally going to be released to the American audience. This trailer is slick and stylish in every way imaginable right down to the music. This looks like it’s going to be classic Guy Ritchie all the way. Check out Andre Benjamin not in animated form for a change! This joint looks like it’s gonna be ill. I’ll reserve the rest for the bottom line.

Bottom line:
I need to see this shit yesterday. The movie poster jpg is going into my blog pictures folder and I’m already clearing out a spot in my DVD collection for it. I’ve been sold. This is how you make a fuckin’ trailer! I like the older international one as well but this one is more suitable for trying to sell it to an American audience that may be unfamiliar with Ritchie earlier work (who that may be I don’t care to even think about).


Speed Racer


Yuck! What the fuck is this shiny bullshit? Why does this look like one of Robert Rodriguez’ horrible kid flicks? I’m not feeling the super bright colors or the extra obvious CGI effects. It looks like Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory for God’s sake! The casting is okay but I’m really not feeling this storyline at all (Snake Oiler's in this flick?). This flick looks way too goofy to take seriously. This will be the first film I’ve seen Emile Hirsch in that may just outright suck. Sure, the Wachowski Brothers “created” The Matrix but didn’t that trilogy go to shit right after the first film? This trailer sucks, the movie looks like it was made by Disney and it looks like it’s going to be mad cheesy...I’m talking 80’s movie cheesy here.

Bottom line:
This trailer is lame and “Speed Racer” looks like it’s going to be a goddamn train wreck. Did you peep the ninja attack in the trailer and John Goodman as Pops Racer? This movie looks so unbelievably bad that all I can think about is how I felt when I first saw the trailer for Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. Absolute HD CGI trash.


Wanted


As I watched this trailer all I could think of was how much I couldn’t wait to see the first “Watchmen” trailer. The tone and visual aesthetic of this trailer is just what I expected it to be. The viewer is drawn in immediately and enaged from the beginning (the easy way to do that is to use Angelina Jolie as soon as bloody possible). Once Morgan Freeman’s voice is heard it’s like EF Hutton is speaking...everyone listens (that reference was for all you 70’s and early 80’s babies out there). Check out Common as The Gunsmith! I hear he might be Green Lantern in the JLA flick, too. The stunts in this trailer are crazy as all hell...did a train really just crash into a mountain? On the way down? Is it June yet?

Bottom line:
Great trailer, I want to see this flick. I’m sold. Timur you’ve done it again.


Jumper


As I watch this trailer all I do is try to figure out the exact sales pitch that the cretive team used to sell it. “It’s like “The Matrix” meets “Minority Report” meets “The X Men”!” or “Imagine if “The Covenant” didn’t suck and you then multiplied that film with the “Daywatch” trilogy! Then you have “Jumper”!”. This trailer is pretty damn engrossing but it really picks up when the conflict is introduced (and Samuel L. Jackson). After seeing all of those special effects, camera tricks and fight scenes I’m looking forward to seeing if all of those elements worked in the end. Damn good trailer but the movie could still potentially suck.

Bottom line:
Hopefully this is a good movie. I have seen so many film about novels where the novel gets lost in the CGI and special effects in post production. I hope this film has actual characters in it as opposed to the action being the draw because it’ll do pretty well at the box office and sell a lot of DVD’s but ultimately suck. I loved the trailer but I’ll wait until I see the actual film first even though the producers usually do an excellent job of mixing actual stories with compelling characters with action.



The Dark Knight
http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/batman-trailer/

This just hit the ‘net recently and every time someone puts it on YouTube or Dailymotion it gets taken down immediately so I’ll provide a link to a site that has a good quality version of it running. Heath Ledger is far exceeding my expectations in this trailer as The Joker. This shit looks mad grimy, too. As in the case of the “Speed Racer” trailer production value can make a movie look like trash. By keeping it understated and dialing back on the “shinyness”, you can make the film work that much better.

This looks like it might be even better than “Batman Begins”! Maggie Gyllenhaal’s cute in this one (sometimes she looks like a gremlin/gnome on film) and I guess she’s “the chick”. I’m gonna be watching this one a couple of more times tonight. Damn good trailer, Christopher Nolan’s doing the damn thing! Morgan Freeman’s about to have one hell of a summer in 2008.

Bottom line:
I’ll be in line July 18th to see this...early. I was a little worried when Heath Ledger said he wasn’t familiar with the character. I guess he did like Clinton Sparks.


10, 000 B.C.
http://www.chud.com/index.php?type=news&id=12895

Uhh...*raises hand* I have more than a few problems with this trailer AND this movie now. I saw the original teaser trailer and I was like “Oh Word!”. I saw THIS trailer on G4TV last week and was like “Bulllllshit!”. First of all, this movie was supposed to occur in 10 000 B.C (or B.C.E. for the history freaks..okay ME) and as far as I (or any of my many college professors) knew, yes there were trade routes and settlements in Africa at this time, there were no huge centralized cities tied in to an organized religion that built huge monuments until around 3800 B.C.

It looks like these cavemen are bringing the ruckus to an organized civilization that looks like an amalgamation of the Egyptians, Nubians and Kushites. None of the types of structures that exist in this trailer would’ve ever existed in that particular time frame. Hold up, are brothers in Africa getting attacked by wooly mammoths and saber toothed tigers in this joint? What kind of reverse Tarzan bullshit is this trailer supposed to be anyways? Did they expect me to be in theater cheering for Caveman Tarzan to get his girl back? I know that folks went for “300” but that was a famous historical legend and a Frank Miller graphic novel...this here is some straight up fictionalized bullshit.

Of course, the Africans came and (?) pillaged the caveman village, but they snatched up the girl and brought her back (she has blue eyes..they were mesmerized!) to the rest. Then the dread headed (?) hero rounds up his cave dwelling people and a throng of suddenly domesticated wild animals, crossed the desert and attacked an entire city full of brown people with an organized army (and it seemed like they won) to get his girl back and get from under their oppressive foot? Get the fuck outta here with that garbage! Am I catching feelings over this trailer for no good reason or do I have a valid point? Have they written about this on Racialicious yet? I’m not feeling this movie for several reasons that I don’t even have time to write about in detail.

Bottom line:
Fuck this movie. Fuck the all of writers, producers and directors of said film. Fuck the studio that greenlighted it and the executives that work there and run it. That is all.

One.